


Ersatz Unicorns

by Alana



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Multi, also other romances, and people, eventual slash but it sure ain't here yet, you'll see them when they show up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-08
Packaged: 2017-11-24 03:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/629980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alana/pseuds/Alana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which John Egbert, Monster Hunter, has killed a manticore; Dave is a weirdo; Jade is a badass; and their dear friend Rose has a vision of unicorns being ridden by real live wizards.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Manticore

John was panting as he crested the hill, trying to toss his hair out of his face only to have it fall back in unruly, sweaty chunks. He might have pushed it back, except his hands were busy balancing the carcass of a manticore over his shoulders.

(It had been a pretty quick kill! The manticore had been old, and ill-- that was probably why it had been pouncing sheep instead of more interesting prey-- but it was still the business of the local monster hunter, even if it totally didn't even measure up to the basilisk from last week, and Dave was definitely going to want to stuff the pelt and then put inappropriate hats on it.)

In any case, he didn't need to see where he was going; this path, these steps back down into the shallow valley, little shacks and houses ringing the low muddy dip in the center-- he knew them by heart, and his feet could recite every print they had ever left as he trudged downwards towards his village, where his friends were already waiting for him, Dave and Rose pretending to be helpful as Jade chopped her way through a pile of wood.

Dave was the first to see John as he came towards them, and he nudged Rose with an elbow; she turned and raised her eyebrows at him, and he grinned down the hill at them, waving as best as he could without losing his grip. Rose and Dave did this nearly-identical gesture, one hand raised in a slight movement, one corner of their mouths quirking up in a welcoming smirk; Jade buried the ax in her chopping stump and waved enthusiastically with both arms, calling his name up the hillside; and John yelled back, "Hi, guys!" as he picked up the pace a little, trotting towards them and panting through his grin.

It was clearly only force of will and the manticore draped across his shoulders that kept Jade from hugging him, though she leaned in close enough to brush a sisterly kiss to John's cheek and ask, "So, is that stink you or the corpse?"

"Probably both!" he answered, cheerfully, shifting it on his shoulders and grinning at his sister and friends. "Where can I put it down, Dave? Want it by your bed, so you can have some nice private time with the hide?"

Dave sighed and rolled his eyes and told John, "Go fuck yourself, Egbert," and Rose murmured something only loud enough for Dave to hear but which made him turn bright red. "You know it goes to my workshop," he mumbled, elbowing his sister in the side with a bony elbow. She replied with a serene smile and pinched the back of his hand.

"Hahaha, yeah, I know! I was just messing with you. Jade, wanna take half the weight?"

Agreeably, she shouldered the tail end of the manticore, hooking one arm around its rump and the other around John's waist, and the two of them fell into step together, their feet as practiced at this as John's were at navigating the hillside. Dave and Rose followed, bickering under their breath, Dave clearly getting wound up by whatever Rose was murmuring, his hisses in reply working up to a litany of "wow, fuck you" and "shut up, like you have any room to talk" that were not as quiet as he seemed to think they were, and eventually, followed by Rose's mockingly fond laughter, he inserted himself at John's side.

"So, hey, Egbert, Mister Monster-killer, why don't you tell us all about your exciting day of monster-killing? Lay it down on us, like a soft feather quilt over the noble ass of the king--" Jade burst out laughing, and Dave preened a little at John's side, the corner of his mouth tugging back up towards smirking instead of sulkiness, "-- tell us how you fucked this monster's shit up."

"Oh, well, you know," John started, and proceeded to tell a story that was at least 95% him making ridiculous things up; and Dave and Jade ate it up as they finished the walk to Dave's workshop, dumping the carcass across his workbench and settling down for Bullshit Story Time With John.

\--

The story grew with each telling, so that by that night, sitting around the table in John and Jade's house, most of the village crammed into the little wood structure, the manticore was breathing fire and leaping upon John with hatred in its eyes. (Their father passed out fresh bread to everyone, a smile on his lined face, assuring everyone that it would have gone stale otherwise, sitting overnight in the bakery-- that wouldn't stop them from paying the Egbert family back, of course, but he always made the effort.)

"And then, when it had me pinned to the ground," John whispered, "one heavy paw crushing each shoulder, I shouted--" He leapt to his feet, brandishing half a loaf: "Look! Your boot is untied!"

A burst of laughter rippled around the room, and John grinned, bowing a little before resuming, "Of course, it reared back, to check its boots, and I swung my hammer before it realized it wasn't even wearing any! And that's how I defeated the manticore."

Somewhere back by the fireplace, Dave called out, "Liar!" and Jade smacked his shoulder, making him yelp. People giggled again; everyone knew the story was embellished, but no one particularly cared, as long as it was _good_.

The bundle around John started to break up a little bit, some of the kids hanging around to ask John for little important details like "did the manticore burn you at all?" and "can I hold your hammer?" and "can we ride it when Dave stuffs it?" ("You can still see the ash on my face!" he laughed, pointing to his freckles, and held out his hammer for the little girl to try and lift, and assured them all, "Dave'll let you ride it as much as you want, as long as you make flower crowns for it to wear!") Jade and Dave were giggling at each other by the fireplace, her wolf's head on her knee, its snow-white ears perked towards the door; and, as people trailed out, Rose stood as well, from where she had arranged herself quietly behind John.

"What a fantastic creation you gave us tonight, John," she said, with a little smile that meant she thought is was hilarious but was too self-conscious to say so. "Though it's not quite the story I remember from earlier..."

John grinned at her, and shrugged. "If I had to tell the same story over again, it'd get pretty boring, don't you think?"

"Mmm." She came closer, close enough to nudge her shoulder against his, her violet eyes twinkling. "You're wasted on monsters. Think of all the jesters you could outshine in a lord's court, with--"

"... With?" he prompted, after a moment of silence, following her gaze to a blank spot on the wall. "Rose, are you all right?"

She shook her head, brow furrowing. "I thought I saw something," she said, dismissively, and waved her hand. "I'm sure it was nothing."

For a moment, John was distracted from Rose to reclaim his hammer from the little girl before she swung it awkwardly into any fragile furniture, but once is was safely back on his belt, he turned backed to his friend. "Was it something you saw, or something you, y'know, saw?"

"I said it was nothing," she snapped, peevishly, and got a grin in reply. "Honestly, John, not every flicker in the corner of my eye is a vision-- stop grinning like that!"

"Rooooose," he whined, and nudged up against her, "It can't hurt to check it out, can it? It sounds interesting!"

She huffed out a breath, and swept past him towards the door with an unflattering mutter about his parentage-- "Are you sure he wasn't a foundling as well, sir? Perhaps raised by a pig somewhere?" she asked Dad on her way, and got a tolerant laugh and a shooing wave-- and John trotted behind, well familiar with the routine. "I didn't even say what I saw," she grumbled, as he caught up to her side. "How can it sound interesting when I didn't say anything?"

"You wouldn't bother to see something _boring_ ," he pointed out, which was true-- Rose never saw boring things, even when they might be helpful. Mould in the grain and a stone in a horse's hoof was below her vision's call-- it needed, at least, a monster or a thunderstorm to make itself known. 

She pouted, but didn't argue, and they came around the side of the bakery, to face the long, greyish slope of the hill in the twilight, the sky streaked peach and deep velvet-blue above it. "See? Nothing here," she said, and began to turn to go.

Then a pair of unicorns crested the hill, tossing their dappled heads as their riders pulled their reigns.

"Well!" John said, cheerfully, "That's definitely not boring! C'mon, Rose, let's say hello!"


	2. The Apprentice Guest

"Yeah, why wouldn't they be real?" the wizard said, smirking proudly as his unicorn shifted under him. "Ain't they beautiful? Why, I wouldn't have been able to catch them if it weren't for my apprentice here-- ain't that right, chief? Hahaha, they just walk right on up to the kid! He's lucky, I haven't been able to attract unicorns since I was thirteen."

John blinked from the front of the tiny crowd-- it wasn't a huge one, not like there had been for his storytelling, but strangers on unicorns was uncommon enough for comment-- and wondered how "are those really unicorns," asked by the same little girl who'd wanted to try his hammer, had let him know when the wizard had first had sex. (There were some giggles in the crowd, and the wizard beamed, clearly enjoying the attention; his teenaged apprentice looked vaguely like he wanted to sink into the ground and die.)

Rose, at John's elbow, had her eyes narrowed at the wizards, and John sent her a questioning look, which she missed entirely.

"Well, you and your unicorns are welcome to the village!" someone said, and the wizard beamed.

"Wonderful, wonderful! See, chief, these people know how to treat visitors right." He patted his apprentice's shoulder, and swung down off his unicorn. "I don't suppose you have a spare bed or two? A stable for the unicorns?"

"I have room for one," someone said, and someone else offered, "I've just butchered a couple bulls, there's room in my stable," and John stepped forward, offering, "I'll give up my bed for a night, it's no trouble, and I'm sure my dad won't mind."

" _John_ ," Rose hissed, elbowing him disapprovingly.

"Well he won't," John whispered back, and she rolled her eyes but didn't say anything more, possibly because of all the other things she was paying attention to.

The wizard was making some kind of over-dramatic show of appreciation and friendliness, taking the unicorns by their bridles and leading them away, and the apprentice drifted over to them, looking a bit like he was uncertain but didn't want to look uncertain. "Hey," he said, in a vaguely accented voice, "You've got a bed for me to sleep in?"

"Yeah, of course! This is my house right here," John said, cheerfully indicating the structure behind them, "it's always nice and warm from the bakery-- my dad's a baker, you know!-- and I've slept worse places than my own floor or next to my sister. Hey, I didn't catch your name-- I'm John!" He thrust out his hand to be shook, and the wizard looked at him like he was an alien before gingerly shaking his hand.

"Eridan," he said, and half-heartedly, "Nice to meet you, or whatever."

John grinned, and was about to say something when Rose interjected, "What charm did you use to give those horses horns?"

They both looked at her in surprise, and then Eridan glanced around like he was worried someone had heard her. "Wwhat do you mean?" he said, trying to sound innocent while his accent got stronger. "They really are unicorns. Wwho wwould charm a fuckin' horse like that, you'vve gotta be kidding me--"

Rose looked unimpressed, and he changed tactics.

"So you can see through stuff like that?" he asked, voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper, his accent nervously blatant. "You'vve got to be talented-- you a wwitch or somethin'?"

"It's none of your business," Rose said, coldly, at a normal volume, and turned away, marching towards the house she and Dave shared.

"... Well!" John said, and stepped between Rose's retreat and Eridan's confused glare. "That was definitely interesting."

\--

Eridan, unlike his mentor, was sullen, unresponsive, and kind of a jerk, as far as John could make out. It reminded him fondly of when Dave was in one of his _moods_ , and he set about making Eridan as comfortable as possible, under his dad's proud supervision.

The only break in Eridan's foul mood was when his eyes settled on Jade, and he turned pink and his eyes brightened; then he noticed the massive white wolf curled around her feet, and that the wood she was working was crossbow-shaped, and he instantly sank into sullenness again. (John restrained himself from laughing; almost every boy in the village had done some variation on that reaction at some point, but it really wasn't their fault that Jade was completely awesome and pretty much one of the best people ever, and also had Bec perpetually at her side.)

"Hi!" she'd chirped, and Eridan mumbled something in return, and John had to intervene to introduce the two of them.

Still, after he'd had some bread and watered wine and the fire had been banked for the night, Eridan had managed to summon up a "Thanks. For the bed an' stuff." John greeted the begrudging gratitude with a big grin, and Eridan crawled into John's blankets looking vaguely mystified.

John snuggled up beside Jade (Bec having been exiled to the floor for the night), and whispered to her, "I think he'd be all right if he weren't so prissy."

Jade muffled a giggle into John's shoulder, and hushed him. "Sleep, John," she ordered, her bright grin shining from her brown face in the darkness, and he grinned back, then did as she ordered.

\--

He woke in the pale grey pre-dawn, and watched his dad cross the little bedroom the three of them shared.

"Morning, Dad," he whispered, and his father paused.

"Good morning, son," he whispered in return. "You're awake early."

"Mmm." John muffled a yawn with his fist. "You starting the bread?" Dad nodded, and John asked, "Need help?"

"If you're offering," he murmured, and John rolled out of bed; Bec instantly filled the space beside Jade, sighing in wolfy contentment. They walked softly across the main room of the house, John pausing to add a log to the fire, and into the bakery, where Dad directed John to start some dough while he started the ovens.

It had been a while since John had helped with this-- he'd had his own trade to focus on, after all-- but the familiar rhythms of childhood had never really left him, and he worked the flour and water and egg and yeast together with familiar hands, his father joining him in companionable silence.

Sometimes, John wondered if he really should've been a baker-- or a jester, like Rose claimed. He couldn't say he didn't love monster-hunting, too, because it was exciting as hell, but there was something really... just really nice, to be working with his hands, standing beside his father and kneading dough.

After an hour or so, when the first loaves were rising and the two of them were working on the next batch of dough, Eridan appeared in the doorframe, watching them in the pale gold morning light that worked its way in through the cloudy windows.

"Morning," John chirped, and waved a flour-dusted hand at Eridan.

Eridan looked startled at the greeting, but said, after an awkward pause, "Good morning." Another pause. "You didn't say you're a baker, too."

Dad nudged John's elbow with his own, and murmured, "Go look after our guest, son," and John nodded, going to wipe his hands clean.

"I'm not," he told Eridan, "I'm just helping. Dad's real apprentice is little Janey-- she's the one who asked if the unicorns were real, last night. But she doesn't come in until later."

"Oh," Eridan said, and shifted awkwardly. "Wwell then-- _well_ then," he corrected himself, suppressing his accent, "what do you do? You're old enough for a trade, right?"

"Yeah, I am! I'm a monster-hunter. Best one in as far as you can ride in a week!" John puffed up proudly, and Eridan gave him an incredulous look, stepping aside to let John back into the house part of the building.

"An' I'm Prince of the Oceans," he said, flatly.

"Nice to meet you, your highness!" John dipped into what he was pretty sure was a courtly bow, or at least a funny enough parody of one, hands swooping around ridiculously. "Would your princeliness care for some hot tea this morning?"

Unwillingly, Eridan snorted out a laugh, giving John a dirty look for daring to break his composure. It was ruined by his smirk. John grinned back, scooping up the kettle and wandering outside to fill it from a water barrel. "Wwhat I mean is I don't _believve_ you," he clarified, trailing behind John, not even trying to smother his accent. Too busy trying to smother his smile, John thought, which was a shame, because he didn't look half so gloomy with it on. "Don't proper monster hunters havve, wwhat, trophies an' such?"

John laughed, drawing another unwilling smile out of Eridan. "I do!"

"So wwhere're these so-called trophies at, hmm?" They strolled back into the house, and Eridan asserted, "I see nothin' more monstrous than the state a' your floor."

"Well, I can't keep them here. Bec would chew on them." He hung the kettle on a hook above the fire and stoked it up, and it merrily sprung to life under his experienced hands and the soft breeze of his breath.

Eridan paused, and asked, "Is Bec the wwhite hell-hound?" with a little frown.

"I am pretty sure he's just a wolf!"

"Okay, good, 'cause I wwas nearly imaginin' a _human_ chewwin' on some mounted dragon head or somethin'."

John laughed again, and took the teapot down from its shelf along with a corked jar of herbs, scooping some of the contents of the latter into the former. Eridan had lit up, a little, his previous confined movements going a bit grand-- like he really was a prince or something. "Well, you never know with little kids... I've had to clean more spit from the chimera's goathead horns," he confided, voice lowered conspiratorially, and was rewarded with Eridan snickering behind his hand, the corners of his eyes crinkling.

He had violet eyes, John noticed, like Rose's. Maybe that went with the magic thing.

"Anyway, after breakfast, I'll take you down by Dave's place and you can see all the trophies and stuff! Oh, unless you're leaving as soon as your master wizard dude wakes up?"

"Cronus," Eridan said, which John supposed was a better name for a wizard than 'master wizard dude', "an' I expect he'll want to showw off at least a little, maybe mosey around a bit an' cast flashy charms for all the prettiest people in towwn t' ooh an' ah at." He sounded equally proud and annoyed, and John raised his eyebrows a bit, which Eridan probably missed because John was pouring boiling water from kettle to teapot.

"Well, that sounds... fun?" he said, a bit dubiously, and then pointed out, "Rose is the prettiest girl in town-- she's the one who called your unicorns fake, remember?--" (Eridan interjected, a sour look on his face, "Howw could I forget?") "-- and I don't think she'd like that sort of thing."

Eridan shrugged, and said, almost glumly, "That ain't evver stopped Cronus before."

At John's uncomprehending look, Eridan waved the issue away. "Nevver you mind, John. Noww, wwhat was this about breakfast?"


End file.
